2013 Thailand & Laos

2013 Thailand & Laos

With Christmas fast approaching a bus from Bangkok takes us 200 km south to the town of Hua Hin. However, after a lulling week of slathering on the lotion and heading to the ocean to avoid the commotion we’ve had all the quietude we can handle and decide to return to Bangkok. Christine has an itch for some retail therapy that must be scratched and I have a troubling ear problem needing to be checked out.

As the bus is about to leave Hua Hin it’s ambushed by a horde of pleading sellers. Gripped by a sense of urgency they slap our begrimed window with one palm, while holding up little bags of fruit like precious trophies with the other. Ignoring them the bus rolls forward, and four hours later we are back amid the profusion of horns and hubbub in the either loved or loathed populous capital of Bangkok.

For women, a mind-numbing number of malls strangle the streets in hopes of separating them from their cash; and for men, bars with genetically-blessed arm candy sheathed in tight tops and scandalously abbreviated skirts attempt to do the same. In this morass of more ass, the naughty hotties work all their womanly wiles trying to seduce a pay-mate for the mattress mambo; all trying to get a leg up, one way or another!

Christine is off lightening her purse in the malls, but as a card totin’ member of the beer worshipers club I opt to Thai one on at one of the ‘husband day care’ centers. Exercising my elbow with repetitive 330 ml curls of Chang and Singhas, I often reflect on all the beer I drink and feel ashamed, but peering into the glass I think of all the brewery workers, and all their hopes and dreams; realizing that if I wasn’t busy doing my part those poor folks might all be out of work. So as the epitome of heroism, drink I must, to ensure their dreams come true rather than be selfish and worry about my liver. Yeah I know; I’m noble like that!

When last in Bangkok we found our folly ice-skating. Today’s plan is likely another questionable choice. Most would agree that bicycling in the mayhem of this maniacal megalith is madness, but then again, those knowing us well would likely agree that sanity and ourselves have never exactly been besties!

Along with a guide to help negotiate the pandemonium, we anxiously pedal through traffic buffoonery resembling a bumper-car ride at the circus. Incurring several religious moments, we then veer off into a claustrophobic alleyway leading into an inner city slum that exposes so many with so little.

With the wheels still on our bikes, we cycle to Chao Phyra River and load them onto a boat. Far from city’s bustle on the other side of the river we gladly trade skyscrapers for greenery. After four hours of rural riding we return to the pier where a fisherman is doing battle with a large catfish, and since he has his hands full, I help out by netting his slippery prey. I kind of feel sorry for the fish, but then again I suppose if it had kept its mouth shut it wouldn’t be in this situation. A lesson learned too late for the fish.

On the ride back to the city we stop at a sweaty Muay Thai gym where battle scarred fighters are busy trying to rearrange each other’s face. The sport is a brutal way to make a living, and after seeing a few rounds of combat we brave the tumultuous traffic back to the rental shop and happily give up the bikes.

Bothered by my plugged ear and itchy throat, we visit Bangkok’s impressive International Bumrungrad Hospital. Waiting to be seen I find myself sandwiched between an odd pair of patients. On one side sits a Talibanish looking woman clad in a burqa covering everything from head to foot except for an eye-slit. On my other side is a woman with questionable nose jewelry in the form of a metal plate about the size of a frying pan cumbersomely dangling from between her nostrils!

Finally I am rescued by a snowy-haired Thai doctor looking like he’s been around since Moby Dick was a minnow. His examination reveals an ear infection and nerve damage caused by a Q-tip, and with a sparkle in his eye the wizened geezer tells me in perfect English ‘you only use Q-tip for belly button’! After paying the small 1,531 baht bill I collect the prescribed drugs on a lower floor of the hospital and we’re on our way.

Today is Dec 30th and Christine is headed home to go back to work. However, having no such silly issues in my retirement, I change my plane ticket to remain cocooned in the warmth a while longer. My plan is for an adventurous fishing trip outside of Bangkok in a few days’ time.

Meanwhile, my sandals devour the city’s back streets amid oodles of odorous oddities ‘reeking’ havoc with my smeller. ‘Eau de Bangkok’ has occasional whiffs of incense and jasmine, overpowered by a nasty cocktail of diesel, durian, chilies, urine, and decaying garbage with an underlying stench of sewer. No doubt about it, the memorable snootful is the ultimate aromatherapy fail!

It’s New Year’s Eve, and as the clock ticks down suddenly 2012 becomes 2013. I’ve made it into another year, which somehow seems more important now that I find myself with more yesterdays than tomorrows. As the door to a new January opens full of promise, it’s a good reminder to try and enjoy each day, as yet another year has slipped away from this expedition called life. When I was a teen the century was in its sixties, but now it’s the other way around, and therein lies the difference.

 A Thai Hooker

Most of you I’m sure, are familiar with the fact that Thailand is a country with a great fondness for the world’s oldest profession, and I would like to share with you an experience from my travels just outside of Bangkok; a city with just the right amount of wrong.

Having recently been informed about a particular area famous for its exotic looking Thai beauties, I am definitely keen to check it out. Arranging transport I make my way to where they are known to congregate and begin casting out my most alluring lines to see if any of the fetching beauties will take the bait.

Finally I get some interest, but just when we seem to be making a connection she has an abrupt change of heart, repeatedly resisting my advances before completely disappearing. I wait, biding my time and hoping I can lure another playmate to drop by.

Finally my patience pays off and along comes another lovely. After hooking up she starts energetically getting into the encounter, and with her being much younger than me, I’m discovering the vivacious vixen can be a handful. Cavorting about during our passionate session together she turns out to be a reel screamer. I must confess that with all the physical action I can scarcely stifle my glee!

Dancing about like a pro, she is toned, confident, and superb at what she does; and to no surprise causing me some serious rod action. She teases; she pleases. She’s up and down, in and out, shimmering and shaking, and turning her movement into magic. Now we’re talking, this is my kind of ‘pole dancing’!

Her lean muscular body is hard from years of exercise, and blessed with incredible stamina her sustained power workout is beginning to tire me out. Finally, after her gold medal performance the sassy stunner is all tuckered out and rolls over on her side totally spent. Looking up at me with her large dark eyes and big pouty Angelina Jolie lips she is absolutely gorgeous!

We are both breathing heavy from our exertions, but as I gently stroke her sleek moist body she leans over and gives me a playful slap. I hoist her up in my arms and we pose for a sexy picture to celebrate our wonderfully wild session together before bidding each other a fond farewell. She slips back into the security of her environment, and I to mine.

Well my friends, that about fin-ishes my tail. I do hope you enjoyed the ‘angle’ of my story, but here’s the catch;  below is a photo of my exotic Thai beauty, looking reel sexy in her little red miniskirt.

 

Isn’t she just sexier than socks on a rooster?

And that folks, is the exotic tale of my extra-curricular activity in Thailand!

Well, what exactly DID you expect?  Sometimes I worry about you!

 

By the way, here are a couple more of her gal pals who were also keen to hook up!

 

 


 Totally Jawsome Experience!

Oops, I’m getting ahead of myself so let me back up a little. Along with a hired guide, I depart Bangkok in a taxi piloted by some psychotic madman driving like he needs to get there yesterday! Thailand’s machismo all-gas-no-brake-drivers have all watched ‘The Fast and Furious’ one too many times, and trying to get them to slow down is like trying to baptize a cat!

As for sharing the road, the only part the daft driver seems willing to share is the part already behind us. After surviving two near highway crashes we somehow arrive in one piece some 120 km west of Bangkok in Ratchaburi Province at my suitably my named destination of ‘IT Lake Monster’!

Fishing rod in hand I calmly stand on the bank looking for a likely spot to cast my line. I’m trying to be a professional on this fishin’ mission, as there’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot washing hooks. Lurking in the murky depths here are some of the world’s largest freshwater species, and almost immediately I have a hard strike but it’s gone in a matter of seconds. It felt like a huge fish, but I suppose that’s because the one that got away is always bigger than the one that you gotta weigh!

Suddenly, like a triggered landmine the water erupts anew with another tropical titan thrashing about. Line screaming off my reel is causing elbow-aching action, which comes as somewhat of a surprise given my extensive bicep curls in the bar! Eventually I’m triumphant in landing a spectacular red-tailed catfish.

At the end of the day I’m most pleased with my e-fish-ency, having caught almost a dozen huge predator fish. My thrills with the gills include red-tailed catfish, tiger shovelnose, and the toothy alligator gar; all of which are released to fight again another day, as today’s trophy is merely a few photos. The only problem is that the fish are slipperier than a cucumber in a convent, and regrettably several end up brake-dancing across the ground before I can lug them back into the lake!

Earlier I was using bait, but with the sky now filling with darkness and mosquitoes, I have become the bait! As the worrisome winged warriors needle into me I slap my hands together in hopes of diminishing their life expectancy, and upon examining the murder weapons, find them stained with fresh blood from my slain adversary’s last meal; yours truly.

With my piscatorial pursuit appeased I ankle it back to the car for the dreaded night drive back to Bangkok. The driver possesses the attention span of a meth-crazed ferret, making it clear that napping is not going to be an option with my buttocks clenched tight enough to crack walnuts!

I board an overnight train to Nong Khai and boat across the Mekong to Vientiane in Laos. But believe me, thirteen hours on a bug infested night train is definitely a night of ugly! Case in point: I believe there is a need for a guy to write a ‘hands on’ manual on how to take a piss on a Thai train.

Standing upright in a coffin-size latrine and trying to supress a gag reflex, my knees, elbows, and head all get into the act of trying to maintain balance as the train lurches drunkenly along the tracks amid the tortured shrieks of steel on steel from the car’s couplings. Now, try holding your fly open with one hand and pointing Percy at the porcelain with the other while fending off the proboscis penetration of molesting mosquitoes using head-shakes and shoulder-shrugs as if having an epileptic seizure!

Trying to avoid being bitten you slap yourself with alarming force, except of course when a mosquito lands on your penis or testicles; which I suppose is meant to teach there is always a way to solve problems without using violence! Oh yes, and you best ensure your wallet is in lock down mode for the piss-purge, as the toilet nothing more than a vile smelling hole in the floor with railway ties blurring by beneath.

The truth of the matter is that to accomplish this burdensome task one requires the dexterity and balance of an Olympic gymnast along with the appendages of an octopus! Frankly, I think one would be better served by recruiting a dozen different muscles in a team effort to barricade a pesky bladder until journey’s end.

Trying to get some rest, I lock up my backpack and hook the straps over my leg so it can’t go sleepwalking in the middle of the night, because believe me, there is quite a colorful collection of quirky chromosomes on a second class Thai train! Oh, and by the way, if you ever find yourself needing transport in Thailand and questioning if you should save a few bucks by taking a 13 hour night train; take my advice and fucking fly!

Mark Colegrave   January 2013